Dearest Texas

Some quick notes about your history and your present state:
1. Mexico graciously let you populate and use their land NSA! (craigslist for no strings attached.) However, things got ugly when they told you that they had abolished slavery over 100 years prior and were not down with you using slaves on their land. What did you do? You went to war with them. Remember the Alamo!
2. You continuously rank in the top fattest states in the nation.
3. You have pro republican propaganda in your schools as well as passing legislation in which you can leave facts out of history classes if it down plays: Texas, religion or anything close minded.
4. You say things like, "You don't mess with Texas" and "Every thing's bigger in Texas,"you're not even the biggest FUCKING state, Alaska is nearly twice your size and protects us from Russia! No way Hozay, look at this map, Alaska is barely the size of Hawaii.

So if you don't mess with Texas you most certainly do not even stare at Alaska from across the room or say something in passing behind it's back.
5. Your primary resource is crude oil, which is not renewable (it runs out,) and it pollutes the Earth and you call it Texas tea. Tea is good for you... Let's call it Texas drink.

America has nearly sequestered itself from the rest of the world. We as a race view ourselves as always being correct regardless of what the situation is. America is like going out with an Aries or Taurus, no matter how wrong they've been they are too stubborn to admit it. You guys have free health care? Fuck you, we're America, the greatest cuntry on Earth. Free education? Fuck you, we're America, the greatest cuntry on Earth. You guys now dominate the auto industry, an industry we started? Fuck you, we're America, the greatest cuntry on Earth.

Texas, is an America within an America. A place in where the civil war never happened and certain people should still use separate drinking fountains; unless they can run a football. (This rule is not applicable to Hollywood, where most football players are Aryan.)

In closing... Get a globe and check out Alaska,

a flawed two party system still works better than a tyrannical one party system, educate your children before the rest of the world is so beyond them that it's out of their reach, hit the track and be nice to Mexicans. Texas was their land to begin with and one day you might run out of oil and get so fat that we might try to return you.

The Real Job Thievers!

As some of you may have noticed we are in a bit of a recession at the moment and the job market is well lacking for most. I say most because there are two groups of people out there who always seem to have work: Mexicans and Brits. Now I happen to a Mexican and my job skills include pretty much everything. Landscape? Sure. Framing? Sure. Cooking? Sure. Handsoming? Of course. Stealing American jobs? NO! Now let's shift gears and look at the Brits. Mechanics? No. Iron work? No. Sheet metal? No. Stealing American jobs? Fuck yes.

I want to take you back to a time when we still smoked inside and certain pigmentation(s) disqualified you from being on the golf course. (unless you were landscaping, see paragraph 1) The year is 1976, The Four Seasons and Diana Ross are dominating the radio waves and a new show has just premiered and is a nationwide phenomenon. "The Gong Show," ran from 1976-1980 and was the first nationwide, televised talent show. Contestants would go on and perform their act in front of the judges and would either advance or get voted off the island... I mean gong'd. The Gong Show had over 50 judges including but not limited to: David Letterman, Steve Martin, Joan Rivers and most of all not a single redcoat.

One cold war, one war on drugs and one war on terrorism later; it seems as if I can't find one American show without snide, British judges.
America's Next Top Model: Nigel Barker, Twiggy (Double whammy ultra eating disorder!)
American Idol: Simon Cowell
America's Got Talent: Sharon Osbourne
So you Think you can Dance: Nigel Lithgoe

And it's not like they're doing the job for less either. Simon Cowell got 40 fucking million for the last season of American Idol. That's Oprah money! If I was JC Chasez, I'd be as scared as a Russian in Alaska of losing my job to Hugh Grant.

*I am not the only Mexican to notice this. Mario Lopez has stuck to hosting and NOT JUDGING pretty much everything on T.V. which just goes to show you that just as cats can predict death, Mexicans can predict changes in the job market.
**Enrollment in BYU's B.A. of Judging has dropped 600% since the publishing of this blog.

Sources:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Gong_Show#Judges
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/America's_Next_Top_Model
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/So_You_Think_You_Can_Dance_(U.S._TV_series)
http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/newstopics/howaboutthat/7129952/Cat-predicts-50-deaths-in-RI-nursing-home.html

Review: The Crazies

"The Crazies" shines a spotlight on a true talent that is often left out of most recent films; rural Americans ability to edify (www.m-w.com) the 2nd amendment. The lead, Timothy Olyphant, does his part to try and anchor the movie, but is quite limited by the script. However, the movie is lifted to new heights by Russell Clark, (Joe Anderson) and his ability to dish out "red state justice." The levels of Clark really come through with Anderson; even up until his atonement, when he will be compared to other atoners in history, i.e. Jesus Christ.

The movie took a turn for the worst with the director’s perverse need to curb CHRISTIAN values which run strong in rural America. Take the scene in which our leads find themselves at a truck stop, and decide to help themselves to supplies and water. Do our lead roles feel the need to purchase these items? No, they don't. In times such as a potential apocalyptic future; the strongest support system IS their strong upbringing of CHRISTIAN values and morals.

Does the director expect audiences to believe that Americans are so quick to forget what makes us strong as a nation? Stealing is wrong, no matter what the situation entails. The youth of America will probably see this movie, and think it is somehow "rad" or "tubular" to steal things. I like my horror films to be agenda free, how they were before the liberals took them over and decided to force feed me propaganda through their well paid Hollywood fat-cats. I'm going to suggest you pass on "The Crazies" due to the filmmakers flat out ignorance, and assumption that American movie goers lack the intellect to spot the films plot holes and its need to glamorize theft.