Lyrics: White n' Yella Pages," The Game, Produced by some white guy Dre paid off to pass the beat as his own.

Woke up wit' my head bumpin' like I'm Oh Dae-Su

So I'm investigatin' like CNN's, Anderson Coo-

Last night I was sippin' Cris-tal, wit' my boy Diddy

Sign wit' G-Unit, now I'm in da club like Fiddy

Chorus

No reservations, like Anthony Bourdain

I'm King of the jungle, straight Simba mane

Rollin to the Ivy, cuz I be hungry like Ghandi

Paparazzi got me flippin like I'm Princess Dee

Chorus

Bumbin' yay to gettin' paid like I was Tony Stark

Dis Nig gettin his own week like he be a shark

Cuz he's da black Spieldberg got the game in his Jaws

Like da real Johnny Cochran I fuck da laws

Chorus

Got more actors in the studio than James Lip-ton

But like Baron Davis I play ball in Comp-ton

Don't need Tim on the track to sell a million

Changin' colors like I'm the Geico chameleon

G-UNIT

Do I still say that?

Facts:

1. The game has a great flow and is a talented rapper.

2. His rhymes are contrived and more forced than Lil' Wayne's.

3. He's hardcore and has the same tattoo as Sisqo.

4. He represents Cali and yet wears: Boston hats, Baltimore hats, NY t-shirts, Yankee gear, loves every city more than Huey Lewis does and raps with every rapper from everywhere regardless of who their label tells the to rep.

5. He can't go more than 30 seconds without a celebrity shout out. We get it, you've been Uncle Tom'd and you wanna show your appreciation for being let in the house. I remember when you said, "I don't wear button up shirts and drive Maybachs." What happened Game? Why'd you sell the streets and everyone else out so quickly? I mean everyone knows Sug killed Tupac, the west coast Jesus, because he owed Pac like 12,000,000 USD. However, you still roll with him and give Biggie, the better rapper, props. WTF?

Jose Reyes, LDS church CFO/CEO

MEMORANDUM

TO: VP of Sales, VP of Tithing Revenue, VP of Corpse Conversion, VP of Damage Control, Chris Buttars & Larry H. Miller

FROM: Jose Reyes, CFO/CEO

PRIORITY: URGENT!!!

DATE: Tuesday, January 18th, 2011

RE: Fags are in! Straight (or not straight, I guess I should say) from the horse's mouth.

____________________________________________________________________

          Dear VPs, we have been taking a lot of heat as of late for this whole "Prop 8" thing; there's even a documentary out there on Netflix, I haven't seen it. However, I hear we don't look too hot in it. Recent polls show that our approval rating has been dropping as of late and there has been strife within the church of our handling of certain situations. The last thing we want is to spark a civil war between, for lack of better words, "the north and south," of our church. What I will be suggesting will sound illogical and immoral; but, if you recall we have had more disgusting revelations, the 1978 acceptance of Negroes. 

          We spent 22,000,000 USD to preserve the traditional family in this country and were rewarded with the prize of taking away the inalienable right of marriage away from sinners. Money well spent. In spite of the fact that we have changed our stance on the definition of marriage multiple times. We've gone from polygamy to monogamy and some of our forefathers had over 70 children to women who probably weren't even ovulating at the time. Granted we no longer practice it in this life, due to the times forcing our hand. We don't want a repeat of what happened in 1920 when women were given the right to vote (on this Earth) and we were stuck with our foot in our mouth.

          After serious fasting, a practice long forgotten, judging by how obese all of you are. I have come to the conclusion that we will be ahead of the curve in 2011 and we will be announcing that all homosexuals will be pardoned of their sodomy and "beaver bumping," they will be permitted to marry whomever they please, adopt children, have full access to the celestial kingdom and should be as unhappy in married life just as much as all of us breeders. 

Let's look at some of the areas in which they will be a huge asset:

1. Fashion!

I can safely speak for all of us in saying that we look as if we were dressed by a drunk Helen Keller. If there is one thing gays are known for it's shopping and as a bonus they have committed to shopping with our wives on the weekends so we can watch foot ball.

     2. General Carpentry

If there is one thing that can make a lesbian more weak in the knees than the movie, Gia, it's Home Depot. I spent the majority of my afternoon on the phone with Melissa Ethridge and her people talking about dremel tools, whatever the hell those are. As it turns out pretty much any rug muncher can fix and build anything in your home from: cabinets, piping, cocking, irrigation systems, etc. Just look for the boyish hair and plaid shirt. 

I mean it is really quite impressive what these women are capable of when they don't have curb their talents for insecure males.

     3. An eye for decorating

Now we are the most ballin' church in the world but when it comes to architecture and interior design the Catholic church has ben referring to us as a pig with lipstick. Hope is not lost. There are a handful of jobs that gays are equipped for and it is a FACT that 51% of them are interior decorators. (the other 49% are comprised of wedding planners and rounded out with by a slight minority of massage therapist/hair stylist)

WTF? I know Bob Ross pieces probably go for a pretty penny now that he's dead but do we really need to wallpaper a room with them?

It's a Jersey thing... You can't see but these chairs are covered in plastic.

This is no house of the lord. Help us queer(s).

     4. DISPOSABLE FUCKIN' INCOME, BABY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Let's review... You know I'd save the best for last.

1. I'm not exactly sure what the percentage is... Oh right, 100% are not married.
2. Most don't have children.
3. A lot of them are well into their career.
4. Most of them like to party, but when they convert, the cigs and drinking will go and free up even more money to throw our way.

IT COMES DOWN TO A NUMBERS GAME FOLKS AND THE MORE MEMBERS THE MORE TITHING. We don't want another religion snagging up the Benjamins before we does. We're going to conform to the times, we always do. I will close with one my favorite scriptures from 2nd Nephi ch. 9 vs. 34 "go 'head switch the style up and if they hate; then let them hate and watch the money pile up."

CLASSIFIED

            

If I had a Million Dollars...

Everyone is aware of the standard rates of inflation and their influx on the structure of economics. Hell, how many times a month do you moan and bitch about the cost of a gallon of gas, or anything at the grocery store? Something that often slips our minds is how much it costs to be a freak! We have federal funding to help compensate the cost of health care, education and even abortions. It's not all coat hangers and dumpsters anymore, this is the 21st century.

Cheaper than Planned Parenthood.

Let's go over the facts:
1. Full time father
2. Full time student
3. Workin' 4 days a week
4. Baby 1/2 of the time
5. Child support (in spite of having her half the time)

Let's go over the fetishes:
1. Bondage- considered by most to be the upper tier of freakiness.
2. Exhibitionism- so-so most of us have tried this by high school.
3. Plushies- fastest growing fetish since necrophelia.

Let's say I want to start out with something moderate in bondage. Let's say a whip ($130.00), collar ($65.00), nipple clamps ($19.00), cuffs ($49.00) and leather ball gag ($35.00).

WTF? That's over $300 and that's just the basics, no face masks, harnesses or anything. Obviously BDSM is geared for the single professional, who's well into their career, usually unmarried and with a hefty amount of disposable income. Most certainly not the young father who works for peanuts and is at skoo 20 hours per week.

Moving on to exhibitionism... This one is the ultimate decepticon, like a girl on FB that has 78 profile pics and they're all from the same angle, seriously, we know you're fucking fat Amand-- uh, I mean random girls of FB. Anyways, let's say you and your: gf, bf, husband, wife, etc. sneak into the ball room at the McDonald's play place for a little game of "wrong hole" and you happen to get busted because you have no clue what the little brown lady who works there is saying because it's in Spanish, so you keep going and sooner rather than later the cops are there. (I don't have to worry about this because a) I speak Spanish. b) I prematurely ejaculate.) I know for a fact any good lawyer at a minimum is 3k, and your fine will be hefty as well, let's ball park it at $1,500. We're already almost to $5,000. That's how much the ticket guy at the movies makes in a fucking year! This is just off the bat costs too. Presuming you were attempting this at 4:00 in the afternoon, which any legit exhibitionist would, you're going to land yourself on a number of registries thanks to Megan's law. (bitch) In turn, your only potential jobs would be reduced to: movie ticket guy, jiffylube or little brown lady at McDonald's. Having a low paying job versus a high paying job could theoretically cost you and your offspring millions of dollars.

This leaves us with one potential fetish, Plushies, simply put these people dress up as soft, lovable animals/cartoon characters and do anything from just rub each other to engaging in full on coitus. All you need to do is rent or buy a high quality costume. However, buying would be much more practical being that this is a fetish and gets you off to an abnormal degree, you'd more than likely be using it to the point were it would be advantageous to bite the bullet and buy one. After scouring the web I have found that mascot quality costumes are easily on the low end $400 and $1500 on the high end. Hayzeus Christo, that's a 92 Accord with moderate miles and fair tire tread. (Kelly Blue Book) What appeared to be an affordable fetish ended up not being so economically friendly at all. Also, it is the least practical. It can't be very cheap to dry clean dick snot out of a costume 6x a week.

I have come to realize that due to the social class I was born in, fetishes will remain on tier with: business cards, bottled wine and movies after 5:30. Sigh, certain nouns are reserved only for those with limitless wealth and noble blood running through their veins.

What's a perv to do? I can't pile drive and rickshaw forever. I need help.