Jose Reyes, LDS church CFO/CEO

MEMORANDUM

TO: VP of Sales, VP of Tithing Revenue, VP of Corpse Conversion, VP of Damage Control, Chris Buttars & Larry H. Miller

FROM: Jose Reyes, CFO/CEO

PRIORITY: URGENT!!!

DATE: Tuesday, January 18th, 2011

RE: Fags are in! Straight (or not straight, I guess I should say) from the horse's mouth.

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          Dear VPs, we have been taking a lot of heat as of late for this whole "Prop 8" thing; there's even a documentary out there on Netflix, I haven't seen it. However, I hear we don't look too hot in it. Recent polls show that our approval rating has been dropping as of late and there has been strife within the church of our handling of certain situations. The last thing we want is to spark a civil war between, for lack of better words, "the north and south," of our church. What I will be suggesting will sound illogical and immoral; but, if you recall we have had more disgusting revelations, the 1978 acceptance of Negroes. 

          We spent 22,000,000 USD to preserve the traditional family in this country and were rewarded with the prize of taking away the inalienable right of marriage away from sinners. Money well spent. In spite of the fact that we have changed our stance on the definition of marriage multiple times. We've gone from polygamy to monogamy and some of our forefathers had over 70 children to women who probably weren't even ovulating at the time. Granted we no longer practice it in this life, due to the times forcing our hand. We don't want a repeat of what happened in 1920 when women were given the right to vote (on this Earth) and we were stuck with our foot in our mouth.

          After serious fasting, a practice long forgotten, judging by how obese all of you are. I have come to the conclusion that we will be ahead of the curve in 2011 and we will be announcing that all homosexuals will be pardoned of their sodomy and "beaver bumping," they will be permitted to marry whomever they please, adopt children, have full access to the celestial kingdom and should be as unhappy in married life just as much as all of us breeders. 

Let's look at some of the areas in which they will be a huge asset:

1. Fashion!

I can safely speak for all of us in saying that we look as if we were dressed by a drunk Helen Keller. If there is one thing gays are known for it's shopping and as a bonus they have committed to shopping with our wives on the weekends so we can watch foot ball.

     2. General Carpentry

If there is one thing that can make a lesbian more weak in the knees than the movie, Gia, it's Home Depot. I spent the majority of my afternoon on the phone with Melissa Ethridge and her people talking about dremel tools, whatever the hell those are. As it turns out pretty much any rug muncher can fix and build anything in your home from: cabinets, piping, cocking, irrigation systems, etc. Just look for the boyish hair and plaid shirt. 

I mean it is really quite impressive what these women are capable of when they don't have curb their talents for insecure males.

     3. An eye for decorating

Now we are the most ballin' church in the world but when it comes to architecture and interior design the Catholic church has ben referring to us as a pig with lipstick. Hope is not lost. There are a handful of jobs that gays are equipped for and it is a FACT that 51% of them are interior decorators. (the other 49% are comprised of wedding planners and rounded out with by a slight minority of massage therapist/hair stylist)

WTF? I know Bob Ross pieces probably go for a pretty penny now that he's dead but do we really need to wallpaper a room with them?

It's a Jersey thing... You can't see but these chairs are covered in plastic.

This is no house of the lord. Help us queer(s).

     4. DISPOSABLE FUCKIN' INCOME, BABY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Let's review... You know I'd save the best for last.

1. I'm not exactly sure what the percentage is... Oh right, 100% are not married.
2. Most don't have children.
3. A lot of them are well into their career.
4. Most of them like to party, but when they convert, the cigs and drinking will go and free up even more money to throw our way.

IT COMES DOWN TO A NUMBERS GAME FOLKS AND THE MORE MEMBERS THE MORE TITHING. We don't want another religion snagging up the Benjamins before we does. We're going to conform to the times, we always do. I will close with one my favorite scriptures from 2nd Nephi ch. 9 vs. 34 "go 'head switch the style up and if they hate; then let them hate and watch the money pile up."

CLASSIFIED