If I had a Million Dollars...

Everyone is aware of the standard rates of inflation and their influx on the structure of economics. Hell, how many times a month do you moan and bitch about the cost of a gallon of gas, or anything at the grocery store? Something that often slips our minds is how much it costs to be a freak! We have federal funding to help compensate the cost of health care, education and even abortions. It's not all coat hangers and dumpsters anymore, this is the 21st century.

Cheaper than Planned Parenthood.

Let's go over the facts:
1. Full time father
2. Full time student
3. Workin' 4 days a week
4. Baby 1/2 of the time
5. Child support (in spite of having her half the time)

Let's go over the fetishes:
1. Bondage- considered by most to be the upper tier of freakiness.
2. Exhibitionism- so-so most of us have tried this by high school.
3. Plushies- fastest growing fetish since necrophelia.

Let's say I want to start out with something moderate in bondage. Let's say a whip ($130.00), collar ($65.00), nipple clamps ($19.00), cuffs ($49.00) and leather ball gag ($35.00).

WTF? That's over $300 and that's just the basics, no face masks, harnesses or anything. Obviously BDSM is geared for the single professional, who's well into their career, usually unmarried and with a hefty amount of disposable income. Most certainly not the young father who works for peanuts and is at skoo 20 hours per week.

Moving on to exhibitionism... This one is the ultimate decepticon, like a girl on FB that has 78 profile pics and they're all from the same angle, seriously, we know you're fucking fat Amand-- uh, I mean random girls of FB. Anyways, let's say you and your: gf, bf, husband, wife, etc. sneak into the ball room at the McDonald's play place for a little game of "wrong hole" and you happen to get busted because you have no clue what the little brown lady who works there is saying because it's in Spanish, so you keep going and sooner rather than later the cops are there. (I don't have to worry about this because a) I speak Spanish. b) I prematurely ejaculate.) I know for a fact any good lawyer at a minimum is 3k, and your fine will be hefty as well, let's ball park it at $1,500. We're already almost to $5,000. That's how much the ticket guy at the movies makes in a fucking year! This is just off the bat costs too. Presuming you were attempting this at 4:00 in the afternoon, which any legit exhibitionist would, you're going to land yourself on a number of registries thanks to Megan's law. (bitch) In turn, your only potential jobs would be reduced to: movie ticket guy, jiffylube or little brown lady at McDonald's. Having a low paying job versus a high paying job could theoretically cost you and your offspring millions of dollars.

This leaves us with one potential fetish, Plushies, simply put these people dress up as soft, lovable animals/cartoon characters and do anything from just rub each other to engaging in full on coitus. All you need to do is rent or buy a high quality costume. However, buying would be much more practical being that this is a fetish and gets you off to an abnormal degree, you'd more than likely be using it to the point were it would be advantageous to bite the bullet and buy one. After scouring the web I have found that mascot quality costumes are easily on the low end $400 and $1500 on the high end. Hayzeus Christo, that's a 92 Accord with moderate miles and fair tire tread. (Kelly Blue Book) What appeared to be an affordable fetish ended up not being so economically friendly at all. Also, it is the least practical. It can't be very cheap to dry clean dick snot out of a costume 6x a week.

I have come to realize that due to the social class I was born in, fetishes will remain on tier with: business cards, bottled wine and movies after 5:30. Sigh, certain nouns are reserved only for those with limitless wealth and noble blood running through their veins.

What's a perv to do? I can't pile drive and rickshaw forever. I need help.