Jose Reyes, LDS church CFO/CEO

MEMORANDUM

TO: VP of Sales, VP of Tithing Revenue, VP of Corpse Conversion, VP of Damage Control, Chris Buttars & Larry H. Miller

FROM: Jose Reyes, CFO/CEO

PRIORITY: URGENT!!!

DATE: Tuesday, January 18th, 2011

RE: Fags are in! Straight (or not straight, I guess I should say) from the horse's mouth.

____________________________________________________________________

          Dear VPs, we have been taking a lot of heat as of late for this whole "Prop 8" thing; there's even a documentary out there on Netflix, I haven't seen it. However, I hear we don't look too hot in it. Recent polls show that our approval rating has been dropping as of late and there has been strife within the church of our handling of certain situations. The last thing we want is to spark a civil war between, for lack of better words, "the north and south," of our church. What I will be suggesting will sound illogical and immoral; but, if you recall we have had more disgusting revelations, the 1978 acceptance of Negroes. 

          We spent 22,000,000 USD to preserve the traditional family in this country and were rewarded with the prize of taking away the inalienable right of marriage away from sinners. Money well spent. In spite of the fact that we have changed our stance on the definition of marriage multiple times. We've gone from polygamy to monogamy and some of our forefathers had over 70 children to women who probably weren't even ovulating at the time. Granted we no longer practice it in this life, due to the times forcing our hand. We don't want a repeat of what happened in 1920 when women were given the right to vote (on this Earth) and we were stuck with our foot in our mouth.

          After serious fasting, a practice long forgotten, judging by how obese all of you are. I have come to the conclusion that we will be ahead of the curve in 2011 and we will be announcing that all homosexuals will be pardoned of their sodomy and "beaver bumping," they will be permitted to marry whomever they please, adopt children, have full access to the celestial kingdom and should be as unhappy in married life just as much as all of us breeders. 

Let's look at some of the areas in which they will be a huge asset:

1. Fashion!

I can safely speak for all of us in saying that we look as if we were dressed by a drunk Helen Keller. If there is one thing gays are known for it's shopping and as a bonus they have committed to shopping with our wives on the weekends so we can watch foot ball.

     2. General Carpentry

If there is one thing that can make a lesbian more weak in the knees than the movie, Gia, it's Home Depot. I spent the majority of my afternoon on the phone with Melissa Ethridge and her people talking about dremel tools, whatever the hell those are. As it turns out pretty much any rug muncher can fix and build anything in your home from: cabinets, piping, cocking, irrigation systems, etc. Just look for the boyish hair and plaid shirt. 

I mean it is really quite impressive what these women are capable of when they don't have curb their talents for insecure males.

     3. An eye for decorating

Now we are the most ballin' church in the world but when it comes to architecture and interior design the Catholic church has ben referring to us as a pig with lipstick. Hope is not lost. There are a handful of jobs that gays are equipped for and it is a FACT that 51% of them are interior decorators. (the other 49% are comprised of wedding planners and rounded out with by a slight minority of massage therapist/hair stylist)

WTF? I know Bob Ross pieces probably go for a pretty penny now that he's dead but do we really need to wallpaper a room with them?

It's a Jersey thing... You can't see but these chairs are covered in plastic.

This is no house of the lord. Help us queer(s).

     4. DISPOSABLE FUCKIN' INCOME, BABY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Let's review... You know I'd save the best for last.

1. I'm not exactly sure what the percentage is... Oh right, 100% are not married.
2. Most don't have children.
3. A lot of them are well into their career.
4. Most of them like to party, but when they convert, the cigs and drinking will go and free up even more money to throw our way.

IT COMES DOWN TO A NUMBERS GAME FOLKS AND THE MORE MEMBERS THE MORE TITHING. We don't want another religion snagging up the Benjamins before we does. We're going to conform to the times, we always do. I will close with one my favorite scriptures from 2nd Nephi ch. 9 vs. 34 "go 'head switch the style up and if they hate; then let them hate and watch the money pile up."

CLASSIFIED

            

If I had a Million Dollars...

Everyone is aware of the standard rates of inflation and their influx on the structure of economics. Hell, how many times a month do you moan and bitch about the cost of a gallon of gas, or anything at the grocery store? Something that often slips our minds is how much it costs to be a freak! We have federal funding to help compensate the cost of health care, education and even abortions. It's not all coat hangers and dumpsters anymore, this is the 21st century.

Cheaper than Planned Parenthood.

Let's go over the facts:
1. Full time father
2. Full time student
3. Workin' 4 days a week
4. Baby 1/2 of the time
5. Child support (in spite of having her half the time)

Let's go over the fetishes:
1. Bondage- considered by most to be the upper tier of freakiness.
2. Exhibitionism- so-so most of us have tried this by high school.
3. Plushies- fastest growing fetish since necrophelia.

Let's say I want to start out with something moderate in bondage. Let's say a whip ($130.00), collar ($65.00), nipple clamps ($19.00), cuffs ($49.00) and leather ball gag ($35.00).

WTF? That's over $300 and that's just the basics, no face masks, harnesses or anything. Obviously BDSM is geared for the single professional, who's well into their career, usually unmarried and with a hefty amount of disposable income. Most certainly not the young father who works for peanuts and is at skoo 20 hours per week.

Moving on to exhibitionism... This one is the ultimate decepticon, like a girl on FB that has 78 profile pics and they're all from the same angle, seriously, we know you're fucking fat Amand-- uh, I mean random girls of FB. Anyways, let's say you and your: gf, bf, husband, wife, etc. sneak into the ball room at the McDonald's play place for a little game of "wrong hole" and you happen to get busted because you have no clue what the little brown lady who works there is saying because it's in Spanish, so you keep going and sooner rather than later the cops are there. (I don't have to worry about this because a) I speak Spanish. b) I prematurely ejaculate.) I know for a fact any good lawyer at a minimum is 3k, and your fine will be hefty as well, let's ball park it at $1,500. We're already almost to $5,000. That's how much the ticket guy at the movies makes in a fucking year! This is just off the bat costs too. Presuming you were attempting this at 4:00 in the afternoon, which any legit exhibitionist would, you're going to land yourself on a number of registries thanks to Megan's law. (bitch) In turn, your only potential jobs would be reduced to: movie ticket guy, jiffylube or little brown lady at McDonald's. Having a low paying job versus a high paying job could theoretically cost you and your offspring millions of dollars.

This leaves us with one potential fetish, Plushies, simply put these people dress up as soft, lovable animals/cartoon characters and do anything from just rub each other to engaging in full on coitus. All you need to do is rent or buy a high quality costume. However, buying would be much more practical being that this is a fetish and gets you off to an abnormal degree, you'd more than likely be using it to the point were it would be advantageous to bite the bullet and buy one. After scouring the web I have found that mascot quality costumes are easily on the low end $400 and $1500 on the high end. Hayzeus Christo, that's a 92 Accord with moderate miles and fair tire tread. (Kelly Blue Book) What appeared to be an affordable fetish ended up not being so economically friendly at all. Also, it is the least practical. It can't be very cheap to dry clean dick snot out of a costume 6x a week.

I have come to realize that due to the social class I was born in, fetishes will remain on tier with: business cards, bottled wine and movies after 5:30. Sigh, certain nouns are reserved only for those with limitless wealth and noble blood running through their veins.

What's a perv to do? I can't pile drive and rickshaw forever. I need help.

Dearest Texas

Some quick notes about your history and your present state:
1. Mexico graciously let you populate and use their land NSA! (craigslist for no strings attached.) However, things got ugly when they told you that they had abolished slavery over 100 years prior and were not down with you using slaves on their land. What did you do? You went to war with them. Remember the Alamo!
2. You continuously rank in the top fattest states in the nation.
3. You have pro republican propaganda in your schools as well as passing legislation in which you can leave facts out of history classes if it down plays: Texas, religion or anything close minded.
4. You say things like, "You don't mess with Texas" and "Every thing's bigger in Texas,"you're not even the biggest FUCKING state, Alaska is nearly twice your size and protects us from Russia! No way Hozay, look at this map, Alaska is barely the size of Hawaii.

So if you don't mess with Texas you most certainly do not even stare at Alaska from across the room or say something in passing behind it's back.
5. Your primary resource is crude oil, which is not renewable (it runs out,) and it pollutes the Earth and you call it Texas tea. Tea is good for you... Let's call it Texas drink.

America has nearly sequestered itself from the rest of the world. We as a race view ourselves as always being correct regardless of what the situation is. America is like going out with an Aries or Taurus, no matter how wrong they've been they are too stubborn to admit it. You guys have free health care? Fuck you, we're America, the greatest cuntry on Earth. Free education? Fuck you, we're America, the greatest cuntry on Earth. You guys now dominate the auto industry, an industry we started? Fuck you, we're America, the greatest cuntry on Earth.

Texas, is an America within an America. A place in where the civil war never happened and certain people should still use separate drinking fountains; unless they can run a football. (This rule is not applicable to Hollywood, where most football players are Aryan.)

In closing... Get a globe and check out Alaska,

a flawed two party system still works better than a tyrannical one party system, educate your children before the rest of the world is so beyond them that it's out of their reach, hit the track and be nice to Mexicans. Texas was their land to begin with and one day you might run out of oil and get so fat that we might try to return you.

The Real Job Thievers!

As some of you may have noticed we are in a bit of a recession at the moment and the job market is well lacking for most. I say most because there are two groups of people out there who always seem to have work: Mexicans and Brits. Now I happen to a Mexican and my job skills include pretty much everything. Landscape? Sure. Framing? Sure. Cooking? Sure. Handsoming? Of course. Stealing American jobs? NO! Now let's shift gears and look at the Brits. Mechanics? No. Iron work? No. Sheet metal? No. Stealing American jobs? Fuck yes.

I want to take you back to a time when we still smoked inside and certain pigmentation(s) disqualified you from being on the golf course. (unless you were landscaping, see paragraph 1) The year is 1976, The Four Seasons and Diana Ross are dominating the radio waves and a new show has just premiered and is a nationwide phenomenon. "The Gong Show," ran from 1976-1980 and was the first nationwide, televised talent show. Contestants would go on and perform their act in front of the judges and would either advance or get voted off the island... I mean gong'd. The Gong Show had over 50 judges including but not limited to: David Letterman, Steve Martin, Joan Rivers and most of all not a single redcoat.

One cold war, one war on drugs and one war on terrorism later; it seems as if I can't find one American show without snide, British judges.
America's Next Top Model: Nigel Barker, Twiggy (Double whammy ultra eating disorder!)
American Idol: Simon Cowell
America's Got Talent: Sharon Osbourne
So you Think you can Dance: Nigel Lithgoe

And it's not like they're doing the job for less either. Simon Cowell got 40 fucking million for the last season of American Idol. That's Oprah money! If I was JC Chasez, I'd be as scared as a Russian in Alaska of losing my job to Hugh Grant.

*I am not the only Mexican to notice this. Mario Lopez has stuck to hosting and NOT JUDGING pretty much everything on T.V. which just goes to show you that just as cats can predict death, Mexicans can predict changes in the job market.
**Enrollment in BYU's B.A. of Judging has dropped 600% since the publishing of this blog.

Sources:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Gong_Show#Judges
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/America's_Next_Top_Model
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/So_You_Think_You_Can_Dance_(U.S._TV_series)
http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/newstopics/howaboutthat/7129952/Cat-predicts-50-deaths-in-RI-nursing-home.html

Review: The Crazies

"The Crazies" shines a spotlight on a true talent that is often left out of most recent films; rural Americans ability to edify (www.m-w.com) the 2nd amendment. The lead, Timothy Olyphant, does his part to try and anchor the movie, but is quite limited by the script. However, the movie is lifted to new heights by Russell Clark, (Joe Anderson) and his ability to dish out "red state justice." The levels of Clark really come through with Anderson; even up until his atonement, when he will be compared to other atoners in history, i.e. Jesus Christ.

The movie took a turn for the worst with the director’s perverse need to curb CHRISTIAN values which run strong in rural America. Take the scene in which our leads find themselves at a truck stop, and decide to help themselves to supplies and water. Do our lead roles feel the need to purchase these items? No, they don't. In times such as a potential apocalyptic future; the strongest support system IS their strong upbringing of CHRISTIAN values and morals.

Does the director expect audiences to believe that Americans are so quick to forget what makes us strong as a nation? Stealing is wrong, no matter what the situation entails. The youth of America will probably see this movie, and think it is somehow "rad" or "tubular" to steal things. I like my horror films to be agenda free, how they were before the liberals took them over and decided to force feed me propaganda through their well paid Hollywood fat-cats. I'm going to suggest you pass on "The Crazies" due to the filmmakers flat out ignorance, and assumption that American movie goers lack the intellect to spot the films plot holes and its need to glamorize theft.